In my last entry, I mentioned that I will be starting to work as an OR nurse supposedly today. And believe me when I say that I wasn't lying when I wrote that entry. 'Coz here's the catch: I declined that job offer at the last minute.
When I went to bed last night, I couldn't help but cry. By now, you would've known drama is my middle name. Well, I cried because, aside from the fact that I was scared for the next day's duty, I was scared for my life. I know in my heart that nursing is not for me and as enticing as the offer was, my heart was weeping at it's possibility.
I wasn't able to sleep well and I woke up even before my alarm went off. I knew then and there that I had to make the biggest decision of my life. I went to my parent's room and even before I blurted out anything, I started to cry. I explained to them my cause hoping and praying that they would understand. I guess I didn't do well with that. My dad walked out and almost had a heart attack. LI.TE.RA.LLY.
That was the worst feeling in the world. Letting down the people who had the highest expectations of me. I'm not proud of it but whenever I think about it, I don't regret that decision even a wee bit. As I have said in my latest tweet, "I don't have to say sorry for my dreams."
But before you judge and tell me how I'm such an ungrateful bitch, this is even harder for me. And I am deeply sorry for letting them down. When I made that post, my best friend said, she was proud of me for being so brave to accept the challenge, but now I guess I failed her too. To Eunica, I didn't reply to your comment 'coz of this. And to everyone else who is asking why I turned down the job offer, my only answer is, I wanna be happy.
Taking the road less traveled is even more scary. But I have never felt so free and liberated. I continue to pray for my parents that they would understand what I am going through. And I hope the father Almighty would still continue to give me blessings and opportunities despite all of this.
And I quote Bruno Mars, 'Today my life begins.'
xoxo,
wow biang, such a brave decision to make! i just knew nursing wasnt for me too! when i was on duty, those were the days that i got really really depressed coz of all the stress. true, you'd feel overwhelmed by all the gratitude your patients have for you but at the end of the day, gratitude isnt really enough for all the efforts if we know deep inside that wasn't what we wanted. this is hard.. but turning that offer down was (i think) the right decision..you,among everyone else have the best power how to assess yourself and even if you did took the job, you'd still end up miserable. today, i am happy i left my nursing career. i still don't know where to go next but well, just as long as i am happy, i know im alright. just have faith and pray. let Him lead the way =)
ReplyDeleteKudos! Life is too short to spend it doing something you don't love.
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