When it rains, it pours.

I woke up to the sound of raindrops gently tapping on the rooftop and the first thing that entered my mind was, 'Crap, what time is it?' I looked at my phone and to my dismay,  it was 9:00 in the morning already. Great. Just great. Once again, i missed my early morning walk which I have been planning since Monday. Familiar words came out of my mouth again, 'Tomorrow,  I promise.' Yeah, promises.

I decided to skip breakfast, poured some coffee instead, and went outside. Despite the failed plan, I was immediately comforted by the sound of the rain and the cold weather. I've always loved this kind of weather. Just the right amount of coldness, just the right amount of drizzle, just the right amount of peace. Enough to get me thinking about life, not anybody else's, but my life in particular.

It’s funny how sometimes life  takes us by surprise. When it seems like everything is  planned out already, life takes a massive turn to something you never thought you’d go for. 3 months ago, it seemed like I got lost in the real world, not knowing what to do, jumping from one decision to another (fickle minded that I am), everything seemed difficult to fathom, everything seemed so…mature. I had to make decisions concerning my future, thinking long and hard every time, weighing all the possibilities and consequences of every action. I never felt so tired and drained and confused. I remember thinking I’d rather go back to school where all I have to do is pass my subjects, which right now, doesn’t seem to be so hard compared to real life complexities. Maybe you’d ask, what’s so difficult about it? I could just apply in a hospital, gain enough experience then fly off to Neverland.

Okay, easy there tiger. 

Of course I thought of that too. With my mind constantly preoccupied with I-don’t-want-to-be-a-nurse-‘coz-I-want-to-be-something-else-and-this-is-not-my-passion-so-why-would-I-waste-my-time-well-I-could-go-and-on-about-this drama. I sometimes asked, how do grown-ups deal with this crap every single day? Well I guess, I’m about to learn now.

I had a hard time looking for other jobs because of my course, which sadly, had already been stereotyped nowadays. I almost wanted to bawl my eyes out when I read this ad of a certain company: “All courses may apply except for those that are medically related.” How discriminating is that? But then again, I thought, what company would hire someone who doesn’t know a thing about what she’s signing up for? I know I wouldn’t, so I couldn’t blame them. Who’s left to blame? Me. And the choices I made way back in college. I know nursing was not gonna be easy for me and I already knew this was not really my passion, so why did I push through with it? I could have quit a long time ago. 

But I didn’t. 

I was too proud. I wanted to prove to them that if my sister was able to do it, how the hell can I not? I didn’t wanna disappoint my parents either. So this is what happens when you constantly think of what others have to say. A lecture on the art of not caring wouldn’t hurt, would it?

     

 After months of self-pity and wallowing over what I have done with my life, I finally decided to suck it up and go find a job in the nursing world. I got into a post graduate training program in a private hospital that was gonna run for three months. After going through the eye of the needle, with all the tedious process I had to go through just to be able to get in the program, I finally got in. Not to brag and not that there was anything to brag about it, but out of more than 500 applicants, 50 were picked and I was one of them. Who was I to complain? 

When the training started, I was able to meet new friends, gained a lot of experience that I was deprived of when I was still a student, developed a great appreciation of nurses and the sacrifices that they make for themselves and for their family. But one thing that I realized out of the experience was that nursing is not for me.

I don’t know, maybe the fact that I was responsible for somebody else’s life was too much for me. Up until now, I couldn’t forget the faces of the people who died in front me and although it was not my fault, ’coz sometimes that’s just how life is, I still feel responsible for it.

Three months flew so fast and with that realization, I was again on the verge of confusion if I should continue with this path. So I prayed and prayed harder and at times, even bargained. It’s all that’s left to do when faced with impossible choices. Towards the end of the training, we were to apply again after the program and this time, it will be for employment already. I decided to apply and if I will be called to go on duty, then maybe God has reasons. If I ever go through with this, I know there will be regrets along the way, I will not deny that, but right now, I know better than to complain. A lot of people would want to be in my position right now, the least I could do is to be thankful for all these blessings. I know God has plans for me greater than I could come up with and I will wait for that. I will patiently wait for that.

After sipping the last bit of caffeine left, the rain stopped. And almost like recognizing his clue, Mr. Sun slowly raises his head up, with his rays shining to the fullest in less than a blink of an eye. Aaaah, the wonders of nature. Or maybe just the effects of global warming. Whichever it is, I had only one conclusion. There is still hope left in Pandora's box. And I will hold on to that hope until there is nothing else to hold on to.

I think I've bored you enough with my rantings. I'd love to hear your thoughts too! 

xoxo,

biang