I woke up to the sound of raindrops gently tapping on the rooftop and the first thing that entered my mind was, 'Crap, what time is it?' I looked at my phone and to my dismay, it was 9:00 in the morning already. Great. Just great. Once again, i missed my early morning walk which I have been planning since Monday. Familiar words came out of my mouth again, 'Tomorrow, I promise.' Yeah, promises.
I decided to skip breakfast, poured some coffee instead, and went outside. Despite the failed plan, I was immediately comforted by the sound of the rain and the cold weather. I've always loved this kind of weather. Just the right amount of coldness, just the right amount of drizzle, just the right amount of peace. Enough to get me thinking about life, not anybody else's, but my life in particular.
It’s funny how sometimes life takes us by surprise.
When it seems like everything is planned
out already, life takes a massive turn to something you never thought you’d go
for. 3 months ago, it seemed like I got lost in the real world, not knowing
what to do, jumping from one decision to another (fickle minded that I am),
everything seemed difficult to fathom, everything seemed so…mature. I had to
make decisions concerning my future, thinking long and hard every time,
weighing all the possibilities and consequences of every action. I never felt
so tired and drained and confused. I remember thinking I’d rather go back to
school where all I have to do is pass my subjects, which right now, doesn’t
seem to be so hard compared to real life complexities. Maybe you’d ask, what’s so difficult about it? I could
just apply in a hospital, gain enough experience then fly off to Neverland.
Okay, easy there tiger.
Of course I thought of that too. With my mind constantly
preoccupied with I-don’t-want-to-be-a-nurse-‘coz-I-want-to-be-something-else-and-this-is-not-my-passion-so-why-would-I-waste-my-time-well-I-could-go-and-on-about-this
drama. I sometimes asked, how do grown-ups deal with this crap every single
day? Well I guess, I’m about to learn now.
I had a hard time looking for other jobs because of my
course, which sadly, had already been stereotyped nowadays. I almost wanted to
bawl my eyes out when I read this ad of a certain company: “All courses may
apply except for those that are medically related.” How discriminating is that?
But then again, I thought, what company would hire someone who doesn’t know a
thing about what she’s signing up for? I know I wouldn’t, so I couldn’t blame
them. Who’s left to blame? Me. And the choices I made way back in college. I
know nursing was not gonna be easy for me and I already knew this was not
really my passion, so why did I push through with it? I could have quit a long
time ago.
But I didn’t.
I was too proud. I wanted to prove to them that if my
sister was able to do it, how the hell can I not? I didn’t wanna disappoint my
parents either. So this is what happens when you constantly think of what
others have to say. A lecture on the art of not caring wouldn’t hurt, would it?
When the training started, I was able to meet new
friends, gained a lot of experience that I was deprived of when I was still a
student, developed a great appreciation of nurses and the sacrifices that they
make for themselves and for their family. But one thing that I realized out of
the experience was that nursing is not for me.
I don’t know, maybe the fact that I was responsible for
somebody else’s life was too much for me. Up until now, I couldn’t forget the
faces of the people who died in front me and although it was not my fault, ’coz
sometimes that’s just how life is, I still feel responsible for it.
Three months flew so fast and with that realization, I was
again on the verge of confusion if I should continue with this path. So I
prayed and prayed harder and at times, even bargained. It’s all that’s left to
do when faced with impossible choices. Towards the end of the training, we were
to apply again after the program and this time, it will be for employment
already. I decided to apply and if I will be called to go on duty, then maybe
God has reasons. If I ever go through with this, I know there will be regrets along
the way, I will not deny that, but right now, I know better than to complain. A
lot of people would want to be in my position right now, the least I could do
is to be thankful for all these blessings. I know God has plans for me greater
than I could come up with and I will wait for that. I will patiently wait for
that.
After sipping the last bit of caffeine left, the rain stopped. And almost like recognizing his clue, Mr. Sun slowly raises his head up, with his rays shining to the fullest in less than a blink of an eye. Aaaah, the wonders of nature. Or maybe just the effects of global warming. Whichever it is, I had only one conclusion. There is still hope left in Pandora's box. And I will hold on to that hope until there is nothing else to hold on to.
I think I've bored you enough with my rantings. I'd love to hear your thoughts too!
xoxo,
biang
v! karon pko nka read ani. nicely written and i love ur photos especially the one with the wet flowers.
ReplyDeleteas for ur dilemma,hmmm. i know its hard in the real world. its scary and confusing, we get culture shock realizing that we're part of the working force already. that's also one of the reasons why im back in school, its because im not ready to get out of my comfort zone. meanwhile, its a good temporary plan(if u like to call it that way) na u'r applying in mrh. just think of it this way, doors will open along the way. There will be more opportunities out there than just wallowing at home and waiting for things to fix themselves...diba? Just make the most out of it na lang v. You'll find the answers bit by bit as u widen ur horizon. :)
'Reflection-time' this is d coolest blog u have writteb vy, not only because i can't help but notice d details (pictures, ur thoughts, words used etc..) and admire everything =)) but because of d context of reflection, as u know d person that i am very reflective hahaha!
ReplyDeleteOn d part of ur realizations, i'm glad to know all of these, atleast u have come up with something because u really hafta decide soon. Just have silence once in a while and give attention to every good thought that comes in, it maybe a blessing in disguise or better yet an answer to ur queries. May God bless u always, nd remember that whatever u want as long as it won't bring harm or danger, u have my support <3 ;)