For now

It’s been such a long time since I've been in a relationship. I mean like a real and matured, no-nonsense kind of relationship. I have enjoyed single-hood so much to the point that I think being with someone could be considered a curse. I was made to believe that the prince charming everybody talked about in fairy tales were just mere fantasies of these poor damsels in distress in an attempt to make their lives better. And the happily ever after at the end of the book was not really the end after  all. Somewhere along the history somebody ripped the book apart and the real ending was prince charming leaving Cinderella for a filthy rich cougar or the  princess who kissed the frog got some sort of incurable disease and lives her life wishing she hadn't. That would be more realistic, wouldn't it?

So a lot of you might think how I say all of these things just because I don’t have the necessary experience to back it up. To my defense though, not being in a relationship gives me the advantage of learning from other  people’s  mistakes. I get to look at a relationship in a non-biased way, whereas people in it tend to believe there’s only one side to the story, which obviously for them is theirs. I get to understand and listen to both parties involved with a clear logic compared to the ones in the relationship who are almost always drowning themselves with emotions, forgetting they also have to use their brains in the process.

I’m not saying this makes me better than anyone else. I still am inexperienced and naive and maybe a little too cautious when it comes to commitment. I have been the constant go-to person of my friends who've been in and out of love and my shoulders have been cried on by too many broken hearts. I've heard every side of the story and my mouth has become too sore for the words ‘I told you so’. Sleepless nights have been spent with friends watching movies about love while eating a gallon of ice cream and bursting out in tears just when Jack said those final words to Rose. And the cycle starts all over again.

As I said, it’s been too long since my last relationship. But the time will come when I will finally decide to let all of my guards down and make a total fool of myself. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get to see me crawling in your doorstep with a broken heart waiting for you to tell me, ‘I told you so'. And while your shoulders are slowly becoming numb and wet of tears, you hand me your laptop and with all the smile you can muster, you have me read this. Over and over again. 

Just Friends

'Thanks Ana, I'll return this as soon as I'm done with that report', I wave at her as I ran back to the library. It's been three weeks since school started and I've been loaded with schoolwork like there's no tomorrow. I almost cried looking at the pile of rubbish at my table thinking I have to finish all of this by tomorrow. Are they kidding me?  I'm never gonna get all of this done, as I rolled my eyes helplessly.

'Hey, is this seat taken?' a familiar voice propped.

'Yes', I say never even bothering to look up. You grab the chair and positioned yourself right next to me ignoring what I just said. Then you habitually mess my hair like your little sister heedless to the fact that I spent all my afternoon fixing it for you. I glare my eyes as you start rummaging through my work. We've become awfully close lately that even if we bicker the whole day, we still end up laughing at our own inside jokes that nobody seems to get. And it surprises me how you are able to put up with my necessity to change moods every other minute.

'So, who was that you were talking to earlier? How do you manage to keep your good-looking friends from me all this time?'

And I pretend not to hear what you just said as I try to untangle my already messed up hair. Realizing you would not drop it off until I come up with a reply, I finally sighed, 'That was my friend from last year, I was just borrowing some notes to finish up this awful report.'

'You really should introduce me to her sometime. I've been eyeing her since last year and I couldn't get a hold of myself when she's around. I try to muster a weak nod as  I felt the pang of jealousy slowly creep over my veins. Yeah, like what you do to me all the time, screams the subconscious in me.

'Hey, I gotta go. Don't get too serious on that stuff. Light up a little, will you?' messing my hair once again as you try to get up and leave. I try to concentrate on my work but failing miserably. Oh, I am so gonna get all of these done as I bury my face in my hands.

As much as I would love for it to be, this is not our love story. We are just friends and this is just the start of the many tiny instances where you unintentionally slowly break my young heart. And I willingly allow it every time.

Bad Day

Shit happens. And today happens to be my lucky day. Oh well. I have an excuse to ramble.

I just realized lack of sleep doesn't do me any good. It burns out my patience and eats up the remaining brain cells in my head. The added pressure from work doesn't help either. I feel like a bottled mess about to burst in just one single prick. And I did.

Good god, that has to be the lowest I had to feel in such a long time. I don't know which pissed me more, that I took forever resolving an issue while the other person did it single-handedly in just fifteen minutes or the fact that I, of all times, decided not to listen which resulted to a total waste of both of our time. I have never felt so obtuse and idiotic (I couldn't stress that any further) that I almost wanted to curl into a ball and hibernate forever.

I guess I'll just have to comfort myself that I did learn something out of it. I had to. Crying is not an option. Well it is, but I can't. And I promised myself I wouldn't be too hard on me. So breathe in, breathe out and release them negative vibes. Tomorrow is another day.

Girl Gets to Know Boy

'So, you're a smartie huh?' you reply too loudly enough for half of the class to hear. Good thing everyone was too busy huddled up in the corner watching the latest series on someone's laptop. You've been grilling me for the third day now and you relentlessly ask me questions while waiting for the teacher who's twenty-freakin'-minutes late. This is the only time I pray to God the teacher arrives even before we get to the topic of romance. I shudder even with just the thought of it. I've been hastily avoiding that topic since this morning and you seem to enjoy this game too much.

 Finally, the teacher arrives, all grumpy and ready to fire at anybody who dares to look him in the eye. 'And he has the nerve to be angry', I whisper almost inaudibly to you and you smirk back as you try to draw a caricature of him that doesn't even look like him on the back of my notebook. I couldn't stifle my laughter anymore and we giggle like two lovebirds at the back of the class. We've been like this for the past couple of days and although you sometimes annoy me with your all too personal questions, I silently enjoy them as I also get to know more about you in the process.

I found out you've been playing in a band for years and music has been a big part of you ever since. I was almost too shy to share my lack of talent when it comes to music but you seem to never mind. I also found out you love playing sports and was preparing for a try-out anytime next week. And I fiddled my fingers as I relate how physically comatose I can be when it comes to sports. At least, we agree that we both don't like dancing. 'No, no dancing!' and we laugh like complete idiots.

I also found out you were good at Math but not so much in English Literature. You prefer to be silent when you are in deep thought and you can be really sweet when you like someone. You even taught me how to twirl a pen in between my fingers and how you laugh every time I drop the pen and then you demonstrate it patiently back again. Everyday I learn something about you that surprises me and how we are so opposite from each other but too comfortable at the same time.

 But you see, this is not our love story. We are just getting to know each other and I like the little quirky things you do. How I wish those quirky little things never turned into something more that what it should be.

Girl meets Boy

You saw me at the corner of the room sitting all by myself oblivious to the excited faces and endless chatters of other students about their amazing summer getaway. How no one can top it off because they just had a dinner with this gorgeous local male celebrity, who was a family friend and is unbelievably friendly contrary to the rumors, and the list goes on and on. Being new to the class, I prefer to just be a spectator of everything around me until I get a feel of everyone's personality. You came to me and introduced yourself. I had the decency to introduce myself and then went back to my own little world, too shy to even look you in the eye.

And then the bell rang. Everyone scurried to find their seats next to each other so that they could continue their early gossips of who dated who during the summer break. The teacher came in minutes later evidently trying to get used to the wide-eyed stares of the students in front of him. He seemed to be too young to be handling the class. But very authoritative. I guess he needed that then, or else nobody would listen. He introduced himself briefly and then went on with the house rules and all there is to be done on the first day of class.

For some reasons, after all the useless introductions, the teacher thought it would be better if we sit alphabetically next to each other, according to the first letters of our last names, alternating boys and girls for the sole purpose of getting to know each other randomly. Surprisingly, you were seated right next to me and I almost wanted to sink below my seat. No, nothing's repulsive about you or anything like that. I just was not comfortable being seated next to a guy I barely knew. And then the teacher said this is where we are to be seated for the first quarter of the school year, which is what, almost two months? Great, just great! And I sink more below my seat wishing it would swallow me whole. Gahd, how I hate all this first day drama.

And so I went to school the next day dreading every single second I was seated next to you. I try to ignore you as much as I can simply because I might say the stupidest things. But then you started asking me which class I was from last year and all those getting-to-know-you stuff, even throwing in some jokes in between, which made me even more uncomfortable. But as time passes by, I realized you are so much more fun to talk to than most people in the class. All the anxiety went away by the first week and everything just seemed to be easier when you were around.

But no, this is not our love story. This is just the first meeting of a boy and a girl in highschool. Or so I think it is.

To the Sky

Because I have the afternoon off, I feel obliged to write something while I still can. My friends are prolly gonna kill me when I see them coz I ditched them again last night. If you all are reading this, I'm sorry. I have no excuses. I'm a boring introverted ho hum, I know. Forgive me?

Going back, I've been putting off dropping a line for the past few days and to say that I miss writing is an understatement. Which is weird 'coz I actually have no idea what to write about. So I decided to gorge you with what's been up with me lately. I know what you're thinking, capital B.O.R.I.N.G. But hey, it's my blog anyway. Ugh, I hate saying that but I just had to. So anyway, back to the shenanigans of my utterly farcical life. And yes, I am writing in bullets.

 ·I just finished reading Fifty Shades. The controversial book had mixed reviews before I started my reading and my curiosity was piqued. It's not my usual preference of a book but despite the negative feedback that it implicates immoral sexual acts, I would like to believe it's not what the author wishes to convey. I wouldn't say I'm a fan because I was definitely not challenged with the way the book was written (I swear I could have written something like that myself) but I get the story. One thing I never appreciate are people giving reviews without even lifting a single page. You actually have to read the book for your opinion to be considered valid you know. And I don't mean that in a mean way, just an honest opinion as well.

 ·I just reached my 8th month at work, which I never expected at all. It's my first real job and I lasted this long so I consider that a mini accomplishment. As with all jobs, it gets pretty routinary after doing the same thing over and over again for a couple of months. I get to thinking when I would actually have the courage to really go for I want but then I get back to square one after realizing I don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, I'm just too scared to go for it because then failure would be heartbreaking. I am an overthinker, as usual.

·In relation to the second bullet, I just received a very important phone call a few days ago. It's from a probable employer setting me up for an interview. I don't know if I have shared this with you in my previous posts but this is pretty much the reason why I'm working in Cebu right now. I've wanted and waited for this opportunity for almost a year now and I was beyond ecstatic. But I won't deny, I also felt a little scared. Strange, I know. But I'm kinda' enjoying my job right now and I couldn't ask for a better work environment. I'm actually still a little torn about it but I gotta try it out. Change is always scary. But I heard it's inevitable as well.

·I still am single. As I have mentioned in my previous post, it doesn't really bother me that I am not in a relationship or that I haven't been in one for a very long time. Okaaaay, so it bothers me a little (rolls eyes). Sometimes, the question of what could be wrong lingers and hovers over the back of my mind and I can't help but check on my self-esteem once in a while. It would be pathetic of me to say that I don't get jealous of couples who walk ahead of me hand in hand seemingly oblivious of the outside world other than their tiny love bubble (and I sounded so bitter with that sentence.haha.) I do get jealous. But I gotta be patient. I have no choice but to be patient.

I guess that's pretty much it. I know I haven't been really faithful with this blog lately. You know, life happened. And it's never the same as before. But one thing is for sure, this blog never fails to make me feel at home. I realized I haven't even posted any photos of me lately. Not that it's necessary but with that said, I'll be leaving you with a recent photograph taken of me.

No, I don't really wear glasses but yes, I curled my hair.

Oh, you might be wondering about the title. I have been hooked up with this song ever since I listened to it the first time. Adam Young's acoustics never fail to brighten my day. No matter how life has been treating you lately, I hope this one does the same to you.

xo,
biang

Of love letters and romanticisms

A couple of days ago, a friend asked me to whip up a letter for someone he cares for but didn't realize it until the other person finally left. It's funny why people entrust me with such things 'coz I am far from expert when it comes to writing love letters or relationships in general. Nevertheless, I had fun authoring this letter, I just hope I did justice translating those feelings into pen and paper.

'My eyes are still sore from too much crying. Oh no, it's not something drastic, I guess maybe I'm just overly poignant, especially when it involves people and relationships.

If there's one thing I learned after 22 years of breathing life, it's that people come and go. It's a reality that I face every waking moment especially with the kind of job that I involved myself with. But you know what's crazy? What's crazy is how it doesn't get any easier and how it affects me all the same after all those years. When you're the one leaving, it's never that hard but when you're the one being left behind, it's a whole different story. So this is to that one person who I never got the chance to be really close with but has really affected my life without him having so much as a knowledge of it. Or maybe I did get the chance, I was just too inane and naive not to grab it. And now, all I could do is cry. If only my tears could cry more tears, it probably would never stop.

But if there is one thing more important than shedding tears and reminiscing moments, it is moving on. It may take a while but I'll get there. No doubt I will definitely miss you. I may even miss us, even if there is no us. Peculiar, yes? But I will just have to comfort myself with the certainty that I will see you again. And if Gods be good, maybe when that time comes, I will be intrepid enough to express how I feel, hoping you will be open to that possibility as well.'

I have written my share of love letter to someone too. I just don't have the courage yet to post it here.haha.

P.S. This is not the actual letter, my friend has decided to inject his own flare and made it his own. And if I may say, he didn't really need me, he did a mighty fine job himself.

P.S.S If you would be so kind and humor me with your thoughts about writing love letters, I would really appreciate it. Sure, it's cheezeballs and all romantic crap but don't you think it's a breath of fresh air amidst the new generation way of courting or dating? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

xo, biang