Prelude

0215am. Can't sleep. Dark thoughts. Peaking Anxiety. Restless. Hungry.

First time writing in a long time to remedy the chaos and to escape the frailty of the soul. There are too many things going on in my mind it's almost a sin to know where to start. I hold on to whatever faith I have left and crossing my fingers it will save me one more time. One last time.

To Love and New Beginnings

I'm in love. Yes, you read that right. What a way to start the new year huh? It's been months since I've written anything decent and it's safe to say that I've been busy. In my previous post months ago, I've shared to you about a certain someone who has been putting color into my life and making all the butterflies in my stomach go berserk and making me believe everything they portray in stories and poems and songs about love, but I never divulged anything more than that. I think that now, I'm ready more than ever.

For one thing, cliche as it seems, he came unexpectedly into my life, hating--no, despising him even before I met him. How that happened is kind of a long story so I'll keep the sanctity of that for now. I admit everything happened so fast and it was definitely a whirlwind of emotions when we started the relationship. He was way way below the standards I've put up for myself and he was the last guy I would think of dating, admittedly because of his social status.

But my expectations and standards, my preconceived ideals of a man, all of that were thrown out of the window. This guy was funny and he made me laugh all the time. Being the most negative person there is, he taught me how to look at the positive side of anything and everything. He's annoying most of the time and we don't agree on a lot of things but one thing was certain, I was willing to go through anything with this guy. He puts God above anything else and that's the kind of person I need in my life.

Many would say never to give everything you have when it comes to love. And I say why the hell not? We only live once and I wouldn't want that to be the greatest regret I'll have on my deathbed. Sure, you will definitely get hurt, might lose yourself in the process of it but if it's not the right person and he breaks everything there is to break in you, then he definitely does not deserve you.  But if you're lucky enough to have given everything for the right person, it will all be worth it.

Day 190-224: Change is Constant

It's funny how the course of one's life can turn into a full 360 in just a short period of time. I'm amazed at how the subtle events that happen every single day becomes a whole new experience after a month, even so after a year. You might be wondering why I'm suddenly throwing these partially obvious realities to you after more than a month of absence, which I am deeply apologetic of. Well, you will not believe the changes that happened in my life in just one month. Okay, maybe it's not that drastic when you get to read about it but it is to me, so allow me to share about it.

As you know, I'm back in my hometown now working for le parents for the meantime. It's not the ideal setting that I would've wanted but since my sister will be leaving for Canada, I have to take over her roles in helping with the family business---that was the original plan. But then when my sister got back from Canada after a week of staying there, she suddenly decided she didn't wanna work there and would rather run a business of her own. I know, I know what you're thinking, I've been there too. How could she throw such opportunity away? Mind you, I have a lot (and that is even an understatement) of questions I wanted to bombard her with.

Apart from that, I felt so betrayed because of her audacity to make such decisions without considering the life that I left in Cebu for all of this. So my parents decided to give one of the family business to both of us and we'll manage it together, which means, I will never be able to go back to Cebu to work again, I'm not really sure what I feel about what's happening but if there's one thing I learned, it's to never fight what's inevitable. Of course, I always have the option no to accept their proposal but I've thought about it and maybe there is a reason for all of this and we'll just see how everything will turn out.

Also, I've been blessed romantically speaking when I came back here. I refuse to share what's happening on that aspect for the meantime but what I can say is that I am really happy. And I hope it stays that way. I promise I'll share it with you once I get the courage to do so. I'll update you with everything that's happening from time to time, although I can't promise anything. Thank you for reading though. :)

Day 182 to 189: Not Ready Yet

As of the moment, I'm stressing about a humongous pimple on my right shoulder which I accidentally scratched, thus making it look even bigger than it already is. I (excuse the French) fucking hate it. Okay, I know how random that was but I just can't get over it. Anyway, spare me the rolling of eyes, I'm not going to make an excuse for my absence anyway. I haven't been able to write for more than a week now but despite the long absence, I don't have much to say.

Well, there are a couple of change in habits brought about by the changes that happened recently. I don't go to the gym anymore simply because I don't have the luxury and the resources anymore but I still do my exercises at home every other day. There's also lesser time for me to go out with friends because 1. my friends are way too busy with their lives (no pun intended) and 2. Sunday is my only rest day. Yes, you read that right. Since the family is running a business, we are open 7 days a week, only on Sunday I am given the option of not showing up. 

It's a little bit draining and I'm not used to it especially the fact that I work for my parents and I live under their roof so I am forced to live under their sometimes-absurd-and-not-really-fair house rules. And I'd be lying if I say that I don't miss my independent life because I do, more than you know. But we all have to make sacrifices so I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. As they say, the only difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude towards it. So I'm choosing positive vibes all the way!

And not that it's anything important but someone's courting me right now and I don't know what to make of it. Not to brag or put him off but he's a little bit out of my league, for lack of a better term. He clearly has a long way to go in terms of improving and making a name for himself so I'm thinking this is not yet the best time for the both of us, although I haven't told him that yet. I'll just update you about it.

Anyway, I will not make this long. I'll be off to dreamland in a while. I am not yet so sure when the next post will be, let's just hope it'll be sooner. Thanks for reading you guys, I'll talk to you soon. Tata!

Day 170-181: Crossed Off The List

11 days. It's been than long since my last post. And during those days, I was and still am grappling the changes that's currently happening in my life right now. It's a bit unnerving and I'm kind of in a love-hate relationship with the situation that I'm in. Most days I am more than certain I've made the right decision and some days, I wrack my head with an explanation of those decisions in the first place. Well, we all have those days. One thing I'm certain though, I know I may be at a loss right now but I'll get there. I'll figure things out and everything will be just as how it should be. 

I'm currently writing at home in my hometown. During the past 11 days, I've been to Cebu to get the rest of my things and then back home again. I think I've been on a plane too much this year that I could almost memorize some of the crew and staff that I travel with. Anyway, I was only in Cebu for a day, also just in time for my favorite band to visit Cebu. Okaaaay, you got me. I intentionally went back to Cebu for that reason. I cannot pass the opportunity to see them play live so I booked a ticket right away and yes, that's another one crossed off my to-do list. I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty proud of myself for achieving so much this year in terms of my bucket list. Of course, there's still a lot more to go but as I said, I'll get there.

On another note, I may not be able to update as much as before mainly because I have a lot more things to do compared to the internet-work-internet-work lifestyle that I had before, so I tend to forget most of the time. Just like what happened during the past days. But I'll really try my best. 

Anyway, I will not make this long. I'm gonna be off to bed in a while so I'll just talk to you then. :)

Day 164-169: Leap of Faith

Wow. I didn't realize it's almost a week since I posted an entry here. Where did time go?

Anyway, I have so many things to say and there's too much that happened during the time I was away so I'll try to remember everything as much as I can. So yes, this will be a lengthy one. And this is gonna get dramatic too so I'm giving you a heads up.

First things first. I am officially jobless as of today. I finally filed for resignation last Monday and although I wasn't in the company for long, I have already met a lot of beautiful people and have made a couple of friends which doesn't make leaving any easier. And since it was my last day of work last Monday, some of my friends threw their own version of despedida party for me and I was deeply touched. Although it was just over cheap food and karaoke, what made it special was the company of the people that I never thought would come. I may never see them again but they will always hold a place in my heart.

Second. After almost two years of living independently in Cebu, I'm going back home for good. It pains me to leave such a beautiful place with amazing people who taught me a lot about life and the complexities of it. It was during my stay here that I was taught how to be free and it was instilled in me that I only live once and that I should enjoy every bit of it. Some people wouldn't understand my decision of turning away from my profession for something uncertain but I don't and never will have any regrets about it. You will always be my second home, Cebu.

Third. In lieu of me leaving, I will be taking over new roles and responsibilities and I'm nudging myself into the unknown again. Even if it makes everything so much harder, we all have to move on and take a leap of faith and trust that God has more amazing plans than we can ever come up with. Of course, the fear is there and I'm always on the crossroads standing with a big question mark on my face. I'm not even entirely sure if this is what I'm supposed to do. But there's only one thing I'm sure of; that He will be with me all the way so long as I trust him. And I do. I always will.

Fourth. Okay, let's make things lighter this time. Because I will leaving in a few days time, I had to check of some of my to-do lists that I have kept putting off during the past year. Being an extreme adventurer, I finally tried out Crown Regency's Edge Coaster, Skywalk and 4D Theatre yesterday. And because my friend had connections, we were able to enjoy everything with 75% off the original price! It was the perfect way to see the city from afar and definitely an experience that's one for the books.

Fifth. Another one crossed from my checklist was getting myself pierced. I've always wanted to get a piercing at the upper cartilage of my ears but I was always paralyzed by fear. And today, I'm proud to say that I've finally conquered that fear. It turned out the pain was just tolerable and I was just overacting before. Sometimes, it pays not to overthink everything and just go with it.

Alright, I think I have covered everything that I wanted to say so I will not make this longer than it already is. I'll be leaving for CDO hopefully by Friday and I have a whole lot of packing to do from now until then so my next post might be when I'm already back home. Thanks for reading, you guys!

Day 162-163: Idle

It's almost midnight here on my side of the world which means that it's almost bed time for me. I make it a point I at least get eight hours of sleep every night so depending on my shift the next day, I make up my own bed time curfew (if there is such a thing).

You may have noticed I didn't make an entry for yesterday and no, I didn't forget this time. I actually did it on purpose for the main reason that I was a total pig yesterday. I just stayed at home all day, only bothering to stand up to shower and to feed myself. Having that said, I didn't see any logical reason for me to make a post out of nothing so I didn't.

And it seemed the idleness I felt got carried over the next day, which is today, that I almost called off from work. But I decided otherwise knowing I only have a few days left to work before I resign. Actually, I don't have much to say because the same routinary activities happened and well yeah, that's basically it. After work, we originally wanted to go to the gym but my friend bailed out since she was having a major physical concern (for lack of a better term) and I didn't want to go alone so we ended up eating and going home right after.

Well, tomorrow's another day and I'm not sure if I will have the same strength and will to go to work but I'll really try my best. Wish me luck!